Like what the title says, "Past Comes to Life." I've been off of my hormones for working on 3 months now. I truly now know the difference between masculine and feminine for me. For the 8 months I was on Hormone Replacement Therapy( HRT), I was very open, happy, outgoing, and basically couldn't hold still. I actually wanted to do things instead of doing things because of what others wanted me to do.
With my masculine self reemerging, I'm finding myself falling for old habits that never did me any good. I'm sitting at my computer to watch shows a lot more often than not, falling asleep at weird times, and just feeling dull and depressed. I want to go out as myself but with what comes with being a heavy testosterone person, my facial hair as once again began to grow darker and become apparent in everyday life. Instead of being on my mind every 3 or 4 days. Also, I'm losing the hair on top of my head at a faster rate once again. It slowed to a crawl when I was on HRT. Once again, my anxiety is back to how it was before HRT. Work once again triggers my anxiety.
To help my cope with this I'm back in to therapy for just anxiety and depression. With the help of my therapist, I'm going to learn coping skills so that I won't loose my mind and go to something very very stupid.
If everything works out, I will be back on my hormones sometime after the 21st of July. I will try to post an update sometime soon after I get back on them.
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Friday, July 6, 2012
Just a little update on how I'm doing
the biggest thing I have to put in is that I've finally moved out of my parents' house and are on my own. Well sort of. I'm renting a room from lesbian who is totally cool. She don't expect much of me in a way of doing household chores. I do help out just cause it out of respect. She's willing to respect me as by letting me be me.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
This is a New Year and I'm More Determined
Sorry for not posting in a while, life has gotten away from me again as I feel into another depression state.
Well like my title says, it is a new year and I'm determined to get my physical transition started. I'm looking for a second job to help get me more of the green paper I need to get stuff. As it stands I'm only making about $800 month and I want to get out of my parents place.
Now I think its time I started to talk about my past suicide attempts. Lets just say that luckily I didn't need medical attention for these attempts. I was just not smart enough to now how much of my moms pain pills I need to take to make my poor life disappear. I count them as suicide attempts cause of the attention of wanting to die I felt back then. The first attempt was when I was in 5th grade and all of my guy friend were starting to make fun of me for being girly. They all back out from being my friends in public but in private they thought we were friends. Funny how that goes. My second attempt was when I was in Sophomore year of High School when a bunch of guys follow me to the restroom and pissed right next to the stall I was in. You see, I always sat to pee. I hated to stand. It just never felt right. I would have never notice if the guys didn't come quietly and all of the sudden started to laugh they're head off. Later that same day I over heard someone point at me and say to her friend, "Hey its that piss faggot." I've never felt so low in my life as I did that day.
Lets just end it there. I don't want to remember anymore of that. Moving to how I have came out to my friends and family. First are my friends. For most of them it was just find at time that was just the two of us and talk to them. These friends are on the I'm ok with it list but not really support of it. Now for my best friend. He actually did the coming out process for me. When I was just about to tell him, he told me he knew and always knew. I must have had the biggest smile on my face then. He also told me that if I wound up in a situation during or after my transition that he would always be there for me. My family is next. The first person I came out is my grandmother. She was the key that started my on this journey. She told me my parent will accept me sooner or later and will not under any situation disown me or anything. It will just take awhile for them to come around. My parents were next and it happen just as my grandmother told me. It has been two years and my mother can talk to me about it. My father on the other hand still gets mad at himself more than at me. He believes it was because he wasn't there when I was growing up and still keep on telling him that I had these feelings all of my life. Now that I'm old enough to understand and (for the most part) over with what went on in my teenage years, that it is now time I become me one the outside. Third was my siblings. My older Sister got the news from my mother and Sister wasn't all that surprised. She is the most supportive family member I have. For my brother, we don't talk about it much. We both know he is supportive of it in his own way.
that is all I have to say for this post. See you next time.
Well like my title says, it is a new year and I'm determined to get my physical transition started. I'm looking for a second job to help get me more of the green paper I need to get stuff. As it stands I'm only making about $800 month and I want to get out of my parents place.
Now I think its time I started to talk about my past suicide attempts. Lets just say that luckily I didn't need medical attention for these attempts. I was just not smart enough to now how much of my moms pain pills I need to take to make my poor life disappear. I count them as suicide attempts cause of the attention of wanting to die I felt back then. The first attempt was when I was in 5th grade and all of my guy friend were starting to make fun of me for being girly. They all back out from being my friends in public but in private they thought we were friends. Funny how that goes. My second attempt was when I was in Sophomore year of High School when a bunch of guys follow me to the restroom and pissed right next to the stall I was in. You see, I always sat to pee. I hated to stand. It just never felt right. I would have never notice if the guys didn't come quietly and all of the sudden started to laugh they're head off. Later that same day I over heard someone point at me and say to her friend, "Hey its that piss faggot." I've never felt so low in my life as I did that day.
Lets just end it there. I don't want to remember anymore of that. Moving to how I have came out to my friends and family. First are my friends. For most of them it was just find at time that was just the two of us and talk to them. These friends are on the I'm ok with it list but not really support of it. Now for my best friend. He actually did the coming out process for me. When I was just about to tell him, he told me he knew and always knew. I must have had the biggest smile on my face then. He also told me that if I wound up in a situation during or after my transition that he would always be there for me. My family is next. The first person I came out is my grandmother. She was the key that started my on this journey. She told me my parent will accept me sooner or later and will not under any situation disown me or anything. It will just take awhile for them to come around. My parents were next and it happen just as my grandmother told me. It has been two years and my mother can talk to me about it. My father on the other hand still gets mad at himself more than at me. He believes it was because he wasn't there when I was growing up and still keep on telling him that I had these feelings all of my life. Now that I'm old enough to understand and (for the most part) over with what went on in my teenage years, that it is now time I become me one the outside. Third was my siblings. My older Sister got the news from my mother and Sister wasn't all that surprised. She is the most supportive family member I have. For my brother, we don't talk about it much. We both know he is supportive of it in his own way.
that is all I have to say for this post. See you next time.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Vacation Happenings and My Past Part One (Childhold)
The weekend vacation went very well. Bonnie drove very smoothly and the trip took a little less than an half tank there and back. My friend told me, he really appreciated that I went with him. Especially when one of the animals at his sister's place was being a pain in the ass. He got very mad. I've never seen him so made in all of the years I've seen him. I actually got a little scared from him and I don't get scared from people I'm close to. To make sure he won't do something he would regret latter, I put my calm face and help him to calm down. Besides that, the house sitting was pretty uneventful. My friend got me to really want a game. It's called Just Cause 2. The basic of the game is cause a civil riot in some third world country. It look very fun to play.
Enough about my vacation I haven't talked about me and my past at all (except for my into.)
Lets see. I started to notice something different about me when I was 6 years old. I could articulate this feeling, It was a sense of different. Living in a small conservative town, I didn't have any information about what this feeling meant. By the time I turned 10, I was borrowing my older sister's cloths. It just felt right that I should be allowed to wear these cloths but after my mom caught me, I hid this obsession. For the next twelve years, this "crossdressing" was a secret I kept to myself Some time after my sixteen birthday, I was watching the discovery channel and a show( I forget what the title of the show was) was on that hit me really hard. I was about a this teen boy around my age that was feeling things I felt every single day. He was depressed all of the time due to being bullied at school for just being himself. latter on in the show, I found out he really wanted to be girl. He dressed in secret, acted a fem. manner and wasn't gay. Just like me. So I started doing research about what transsexual meant. The farther I was researching, the more I started to understand this feeling of difference I've had all of my life. I stopped the research when my dad found out what was doing on the internet. So sometime my Seventeenth year of life, My dad asked me the question, Do want to be girl? I was so shocked and afraid that he might not love me anymore I said no and stayed in the closet till I was 22 years old.
The next post will be on my two suicide attempts and how I've come out to friends and family.
Now here is a picture of Bonnie
Enough about my vacation I haven't talked about me and my past at all (except for my into.)
Lets see. I started to notice something different about me when I was 6 years old. I could articulate this feeling, It was a sense of different. Living in a small conservative town, I didn't have any information about what this feeling meant. By the time I turned 10, I was borrowing my older sister's cloths. It just felt right that I should be allowed to wear these cloths but after my mom caught me, I hid this obsession. For the next twelve years, this "crossdressing" was a secret I kept to myself Some time after my sixteen birthday, I was watching the discovery channel and a show( I forget what the title of the show was) was on that hit me really hard. I was about a this teen boy around my age that was feeling things I felt every single day. He was depressed all of the time due to being bullied at school for just being himself. latter on in the show, I found out he really wanted to be girl. He dressed in secret, acted a fem. manner and wasn't gay. Just like me. So I started doing research about what transsexual meant. The farther I was researching, the more I started to understand this feeling of difference I've had all of my life. I stopped the research when my dad found out what was doing on the internet. So sometime my Seventeenth year of life, My dad asked me the question, Do want to be girl? I was so shocked and afraid that he might not love me anymore I said no and stayed in the closet till I was 22 years old.
The next post will be on my two suicide attempts and how I've come out to friends and family.
Now here is a picture of Bonnie
Friday, March 4, 2011
It's Time For A New Post
Wow! I've almost have forgotten about this blog. I was cleaning my bookmarks when I saw this blog. 6 long months sense my last post. Lets see whats had happened in those months shall we? I've given up trying to change my job for the better, I've gotten rid of the car with the tranny problem and got a soo much better car, and have decided to be androgynous in the way I dress every day.
My new car is soo much more better than that intrepid. It's a 99 Pontiac Bonneville. I'm soo much in love with her. I'm going to call her Bonnie. Her head lights come on automatically when I start the car and they stay on if its getting dark outside. The dealer said he was trying to keep that car from being sold but knowing how many times I've came there and couldn't find a car I liked. Also knowing my dad from High School helped. (Hay, parents are useful after all) I wound up using all of my Tax Refund and borrowed nearly 900 dollars from my parents and grandmother to get it. I can now finally leave small town anytime I want.(given the amount of gas and money I have)
Now that I have a car that can go freeway speeds with no prob, I'm going to spend the weekend helping one of my best friends house sit for his sister. Whenever we are together we both have good time. He knows about me being trans and just doesn't care. He's known me since middle school and always suspected something was different about me. Last time we did it, we didn't have a vehicle to leave the house and now we do. If we need some solid food we can just leave the house a go to a store. I'm going to have so much fun.
I've put my transition on hold for the time being. Now I dress more androgynous. Even when I perceive as male, I get mams and misses a lot. Especially if I shave my face. I think it might be the jeans. All of my jeans are womens. I've notice they tend to fit better than my male jeans even did. Also the feel of them are much better. More softer.
Lately I've been just hanging out with some of my good cisgendered-straight male friends. Mostly we play Dungeons and Dragons and games equivalent to. Now we are on Skype just voice chatting with each other.
When they play games I can't play due to not having a fast computer, I'm on a game called MineCraft. It has been a very addictive game for me. I really don't know how to describe it. So I'll put a couple of links at the end of this post.
MineCraft Homepage
My new car is soo much more better than that intrepid. It's a 99 Pontiac Bonneville. I'm soo much in love with her. I'm going to call her Bonnie. Her head lights come on automatically when I start the car and they stay on if its getting dark outside. The dealer said he was trying to keep that car from being sold but knowing how many times I've came there and couldn't find a car I liked. Also knowing my dad from High School helped. (Hay, parents are useful after all) I wound up using all of my Tax Refund and borrowed nearly 900 dollars from my parents and grandmother to get it. I can now finally leave small town anytime I want.(given the amount of gas and money I have)
Now that I have a car that can go freeway speeds with no prob, I'm going to spend the weekend helping one of my best friends house sit for his sister. Whenever we are together we both have good time. He knows about me being trans and just doesn't care. He's known me since middle school and always suspected something was different about me. Last time we did it, we didn't have a vehicle to leave the house and now we do. If we need some solid food we can just leave the house a go to a store. I'm going to have so much fun.
I've put my transition on hold for the time being. Now I dress more androgynous. Even when I perceive as male, I get mams and misses a lot. Especially if I shave my face. I think it might be the jeans. All of my jeans are womens. I've notice they tend to fit better than my male jeans even did. Also the feel of them are much better. More softer.
Lately I've been just hanging out with some of my good cisgendered-straight male friends. Mostly we play Dungeons and Dragons and games equivalent to. Now we are on Skype just voice chatting with each other.
When they play games I can't play due to not having a fast computer, I'm on a game called MineCraft. It has been a very addictive game for me. I really don't know how to describe it. So I'll put a couple of links at the end of this post.
MineCraft Homepage
Friday, September 24, 2010
A better Update.
Thanks for those who commented in my last post. I know this is a very difficult journey I've started. The more difficult the journey the more experience I will get. I'm sure hope I'm close to be leveling up. I tired to be stuck at level M.
Good news about my travel problems. I've decide that I'll just trade in my car to get one with a working transmission. I'm a tranny with a tranny problem. Thank you Jesse for that joke. I just love it. I don't know when for sure I can do it. I would like to do it with my dad but he's been so busy taking care of his dieing mother, that he rarely has time to do anything else besides work. I know I should do it by myself. I just don't want to get stuck with a bad deal or anything and he is a person to go to for this sort of thing. I just want his experience to help me make a decision.
I forgot to mention in the last post that I've found a place to move to but that friend's roommate won't move out. He needs to move out. So I'm just waiting till he gets tire of her and decides to move out. That will give me time to go through all of the junk I've collect since moving back into my parents place a little over a year ago. Its funny how I can collect a lot of junk and find a place to stash it so that it wont take up much room. But as I clean up and go through everything, I'm beginning to realize the full effect the past year has taken on me.
I must have been more depressed than I've thought. I have notebooks that have barely been written in. Stuff I should have thrown out when I finished that class. No, there isn't any half eaten sandwiches hidden underneath my bed. Although, I did find Tribbie, my pet Tribble hiding there. A lot of useless electronic crap that I need to get ride of. For example, nameless cords that have gone to some electronic device that I seem to can't find to what the heck it went to.
Well that is it for now.
Good news about my travel problems. I've decide that I'll just trade in my car to get one with a working transmission. I'm a tranny with a tranny problem. Thank you Jesse for that joke. I just love it. I don't know when for sure I can do it. I would like to do it with my dad but he's been so busy taking care of his dieing mother, that he rarely has time to do anything else besides work. I know I should do it by myself. I just don't want to get stuck with a bad deal or anything and he is a person to go to for this sort of thing. I just want his experience to help me make a decision.
I forgot to mention in the last post that I've found a place to move to but that friend's roommate won't move out. He needs to move out. So I'm just waiting till he gets tire of her and decides to move out. That will give me time to go through all of the junk I've collect since moving back into my parents place a little over a year ago. Its funny how I can collect a lot of junk and find a place to stash it so that it wont take up much room. But as I clean up and go through everything, I'm beginning to realize the full effect the past year has taken on me.
I must have been more depressed than I've thought. I have notebooks that have barely been written in. Stuff I should have thrown out when I finished that class. No, there isn't any half eaten sandwiches hidden underneath my bed. Although, I did find Tribbie, my pet Tribble hiding there. A lot of useless electronic crap that I need to get ride of. For example, nameless cords that have gone to some electronic device that I seem to can't find to what the heck it went to.
Well that is it for now.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Tired Of Lifes Shit
I was so damn close for finally escaping my misunderstanding parents. They choose not try to get to better understand my situation. For who could blame them. We live in a small town that has very little visible support for the GLBT Community. The local Library has a few books, a lot of the antique stores are own by gay people. But about a GLBT Community group, there isn't one. The Only community Center we seem to have is a Christian Center that is very again the idea of including Us.
Why don't I just move out of town. Cause I can't without loosing my job, education, the ability to still hangout with friends from the hometown. First I need a vehicle that can not only go freeway speeds but that can also be driven for more that 15 minutes without the fear of having it overheating. Second, I have the stabilization of a job to be able share an apartment with a friend. None of my friends here locally have stable enough job for me to room with. For my education, I can still have it without a car sense I live so close the college I'm going to. But however, if I move out to another city that is 30+ miles away I would need car that has the ability to go freeway speeds.
Back to the Community Center idea. Why don't I just get one start with some of the local GLBT people. Well, lets see what all I have on my plate. I'm trying to keep my job even-though I hate very very much, I'm going to college( need to focus on that), and I'm also trying to find a way to get out of this town, so I could get starting on my transition. So long story short, I don't want to put too much onto my already full plate. The last time I tried to do that, I lead to a very very dark place that I thought would never visit again.
I'm soo tired of life treating me and my family like shit. It seems like for each step forward we make to better ourselves, something tells us NO! and punishes us but knocking us back about 10 steps. Maybe we are doing to ourselves for believing we could by working hard, get to a better place. As it stands right now, that better place would not in this dimension.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not suicidal in anyway. I'm just tired. It's been a long year and half.
Why don't I just move out of town. Cause I can't without loosing my job, education, the ability to still hangout with friends from the hometown. First I need a vehicle that can not only go freeway speeds but that can also be driven for more that 15 minutes without the fear of having it overheating. Second, I have the stabilization of a job to be able share an apartment with a friend. None of my friends here locally have stable enough job for me to room with. For my education, I can still have it without a car sense I live so close the college I'm going to. But however, if I move out to another city that is 30+ miles away I would need car that has the ability to go freeway speeds.
Back to the Community Center idea. Why don't I just get one start with some of the local GLBT people. Well, lets see what all I have on my plate. I'm trying to keep my job even-though I hate very very much, I'm going to college( need to focus on that), and I'm also trying to find a way to get out of this town, so I could get starting on my transition. So long story short, I don't want to put too much onto my already full plate. The last time I tried to do that, I lead to a very very dark place that I thought would never visit again.
I'm soo tired of life treating me and my family like shit. It seems like for each step forward we make to better ourselves, something tells us NO! and punishes us but knocking us back about 10 steps. Maybe we are doing to ourselves for believing we could by working hard, get to a better place. As it stands right now, that better place would not in this dimension.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not suicidal in anyway. I'm just tired. It's been a long year and half.
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