This is a New Year and I'm More Determined

Sorry for not posting in a while, life has gotten away from me again as I feel into another depression state.

Well like my title says, it is a new year and I'm determined to get my physical transition started. I'm looking for a second job to help get me more of the green paper I need to get stuff. As it stands I'm only making about $800 month and I want to get out of my parents place.

Now I think its time I started to talk about my past suicide attempts. Lets just say that luckily I didn't need medical attention for these attempts. I was just not smart enough to now how much of my moms pain pills I need to take to make my poor life disappear. I count them as suicide attempts cause of the attention of wanting to die I felt back then. The first attempt was when I was in 5th grade and all of my guy friend were starting to make fun of me for being girly. They all back out from being my friends in public but in private they thought we were friends. Funny how that goes. My second attempt was when I was in Sophomore year of High School when a bunch of guys follow me to the restroom and pissed right next to the stall I was in. You see, I always sat to pee. I hated to stand. It just never felt right. I would have never notice if the guys didn't come quietly and all of the sudden started to laugh they're head off. Later that same day I over heard someone point at me and say to her friend, "Hey its that piss faggot." I've never felt so low in my life as I did that day.

Lets just end it there. I don't want to remember anymore of that. Moving to how I have came out to my friends and family. First are my friends. For most of them it was just find at time that was just the two of us and talk to them. These friends are on the I'm ok with it list but not really support of it. Now for my best friend. He actually did the coming out process for me. When I was just about to tell him, he told me he knew and always knew. I must have had the biggest smile on my face then. He also told me that if I wound up in a situation during or after my transition that he would always be there for me. My family is next. The first person I came out is my grandmother. She was the key that started my on this journey. She told me my parent will accept me sooner or later and will not under any situation disown me or anything. It will just take awhile for them to come around. My parents were next and it happen just as my grandmother told me. It has been two years and my mother can talk to me about it. My father on the other hand still gets mad at himself more than at me. He believes it was because he wasn't there when I was growing up and still keep on telling him that I had these feelings all of my life. Now that I'm old enough to understand and (for the most part) over with what went on in my teenage years, that it is now time I become me one the outside. Third was my siblings. My older Sister got the news from my mother and Sister wasn't all that surprised. She is the most supportive family member I have. For my brother, we don't talk about it much. We both know he is supportive of it in his own way.

that is all I have to say for this post. See you next time.

Vacation Happenings and My Past Part One (Childhold)

The weekend vacation went very well. Bonnie drove very smoothly and the trip took a little less than an half tank there and back. My friend told me, he really appreciated that I went with him. Especially when one of the animals at his sister's place was being a pain in the ass. He got very mad. I've never seen him so made in all of the years I've seen him. I actually got a little scared from him and I don't get scared from people I'm close to. To make sure he won't do something he would regret latter, I put my calm face and help him to calm down. Besides that, the house sitting was pretty uneventful. My friend got me to really want a game. It's called Just Cause 2. The basic of the game is cause a civil riot in some third world country. It look very fun to play.

 Enough about my vacation I haven't talked about me and my past at all (except for my into.)


Lets see. I started to notice something different about me when I was 6 years old. I could articulate this feeling, It was a sense of different. Living in a small conservative town, I didn't have any information about what this feeling meant. By the time I turned 10, I was borrowing my older sister's cloths. It just felt right that I should be allowed to wear these cloths but after my mom caught me, I hid this obsession. For the next twelve years, this "crossdressing" was a secret I kept to myself Some time after my sixteen birthday, I was watching the discovery channel and a show( I forget what the title of the show was) was on that hit me really hard. I was about a this teen boy around my age that was feeling things I felt every single day. He was depressed all of the time due to being bullied at school for just being himself. latter on in the show, I found out he really wanted to be girl. He dressed in secret, acted a fem. manner and wasn't gay. Just  like me. So I started doing research about what transsexual meant. The farther I was researching, the more I started to understand this feeling of difference I've had all of my life. I stopped the research when my dad found out what was doing on the internet. So sometime my Seventeenth year of life, My dad asked me the question, Do want to be girl? I was so shocked and afraid that he might not love me anymore I said no and stayed in the closet till I was 22 years old.


The next post will be on my two suicide attempts and how I've come out to friends and family.

Now here is a picture of Bonnie

It's Time For A New Post

Wow! I've almost have forgotten about this blog. I was cleaning my bookmarks when I saw this blog. 6 long months sense my last post. Lets see whats had happened in those months shall we? I've given up trying to change my job for the better, I've gotten rid of the car with the tranny problem and got a soo much better car, and have decided to be androgynous in the way I dress every day.

 My new car is soo much more better than that intrepid. It's a 99 Pontiac Bonneville. I'm soo much in love with her. I'm going to call her Bonnie. Her head lights come on automatically when I start the car and they stay on if its getting dark outside. The dealer said he was trying to keep that car from being sold but knowing how many times I've came there and couldn't find a car I liked. Also knowing my dad from High School helped. (Hay, parents are useful after all) I wound up using all of my Tax Refund and borrowed nearly 900 dollars from my parents and grandmother to get it. I can now finally leave small town anytime I want.(given the amount of gas and money I have)

Now that I have a car that can go freeway speeds with no prob, I'm going to spend the weekend helping one of my best friends house sit for his sister. Whenever we are together we both have good time. He knows about me being trans and just doesn't care. He's known me since middle school and always suspected something was different about me. Last time we did it, we didn't have a vehicle to leave the house and now we do. If we need some solid food we can just leave the house a go to a store. I'm going to have so much fun.

I've put my transition on hold for the time being. Now I dress more androgynous. Even when I perceive as male, I get mams and misses a lot. Especially if I shave my face.  I think it might be the jeans. All of my jeans are womens. I've notice they tend to fit better than my male jeans even did. Also the feel of them are much better. More softer.

Lately I've been just hanging out with some of my good cisgendered-straight male friends. Mostly we play Dungeons and Dragons and games equivalent to. Now we are on Skype just voice chatting with each other.
 When they play games I can't play due to not having a fast computer, I'm on a game called MineCraft. It has been a very addictive game for me. I really don't know how to describe it. So I'll put a couple of links at the end of this post.



MineCraft Homepage

A better Update.

Thanks for those who commented in my last post. I know this is a very difficult journey I've started. The more difficult the journey the more experience I will get. I'm sure hope I'm close to be leveling up. I tired to be stuck at level M.

Good news about my travel problems. I've decide that I'll just trade in my car to get one with a working transmission. I'm a tranny with a tranny problem. Thank you Jesse for that joke. I just love it. I don't know when for sure I can do it. I would like to do it with my dad but he's been so busy taking care of his dieing mother, that he rarely has time to do anything else besides work. I know I should do it by myself. I just don't want to get stuck with a bad deal or anything and he is a person to go to for this sort of thing. I just want his experience to help me make a decision.

I forgot to mention in the last post that I've found a place to move to but that friend's roommate won't move out. He needs to move out. So I'm just waiting till he gets tire of her and decides to move out. That will give me time to go through all of the junk I've collect since moving back into my parents place a little over a year ago. Its funny how I can collect a lot of junk and find a place to stash it so that it wont take up much room. But as I clean up and go through everything, I'm beginning to realize the full effect the past year has taken on me.

I must have been more depressed than I've thought. I have notebooks that have barely been written in. Stuff I should have thrown out when I finished that class. No, there isn't any half eaten sandwiches hidden underneath my bed. Although, I did find Tribbie, my pet Tribble hiding there. A lot of useless electronic crap that I need to get ride of. For example, nameless cords that have gone to some electronic device that I seem to can't find to what the heck it went to.

Well that is it for now.

Tired Of Lifes Shit

I was so damn close for finally escaping my misunderstanding parents. They choose not try to get to better understand my situation. For who could blame them. We live in a small town that has very little visible support for the GLBT Community. The local Library has a few books, a lot of the antique stores are own by gay people. But about a GLBT Community group, there isn't one. The Only community Center we seem to have is a Christian Center that is very again the idea of including Us.

Why don't I just move out of town. Cause I can't without loosing my job, education, the ability to still hangout with friends from the hometown. First I need a vehicle that can not only go freeway speeds but that can also be driven for more that 15 minutes without the fear of having it overheating. Second, I have the stabilization of a job to be able share an apartment with a friend. None of my friends here locally have stable enough job for me to room with. For my education, I can still have it without a car sense I live so close the college I'm going to. But however, if I move out to another city that is 30+ miles away I would need car that has the ability to go freeway speeds.

Back to the Community Center idea. Why don't I just get one start with some of the local GLBT people. Well, lets see what all I have on my plate. I'm trying to keep my job even-though I hate very very much, I'm going to college( need to focus on that), and I'm also trying to find a way to get out of this town, so I could get starting on my transition. So long story short, I don't want to put too much onto my already full plate. The last time I tried to do that, I lead to a very very dark place that I thought would never visit again.

I'm soo tired of life treating me and my family like shit. It seems like for each step forward we make to better ourselves, something tells us NO! and punishes us but knocking us back about 10 steps. Maybe we are doing to ourselves for believing we could by working hard, get to a better place. As it stands right now, that better place would not in this dimension.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not suicidal in anyway. I'm just tired. It's been a long year and half.

Kids' Toys and Gender

A friend of mine Did a rant post on his blog and thought I would give my two cents. It is an interesting topic that no one really thinks about. The link to his blog will be added at the end of this post.

Children toys are so fixated on whether the toy should be a girl's toy (dolls, accessorizing, little bake ovens, ext) or a boy's toy (little cars, workbenches, police and fire fighter costumes.) Even the gender neutral toys or what should be gender neutral toys seem to be targeting either gender. For example, Legos and jump ropes are a very gender neutral toy and yet they have it separated by gender. This sometimes get under my (for now) hairy arms.

First example shall be Legos. Legos look like they are a perfect gender neutral toy and they are. Somehow, they still get separated by gender. For example, most of the pastel colors will go to be advertised for Girls unless, that particular pastel color is needed for a part of set made for boys. For they Boys, it is always the action, superhero, vehicle model ( which consist of most of themes) that get advertised towards them. For once I would like to see something that has a pastel color being advertised to males and vise verse to the girls.

Next is what everyone had mostly used is the jump rope. The toy is not really a toy but a form of exercise but it is marketed as a toy for younger children mostly little girls. Now, why can't they market this to the boys as well?? I could guess that in our society that we want girls to stay thin and since boys have their sports, this is one way to achieve that goal. I know that at lest in the elementary school I went to as a child, we jump roped almost everyday during PE but when recess came around I couldn't go jump rope with the girls cause it wasn't a boy thing to do. The boys were directed to more of the kick ball, soccer, and other sport related games. Everywhere I look I mostly see either a women or a little girl enjoying their jump rope and when I see a picture of a man (no little boys jump roping) they have a look to of intense concentration on their face as though they are counting how many jumps they are doing.

this is just what I think about it and my experience these toys. I do no research what so ever to back up what I say here.

here is my friends link. Finding Jester

Seeing Light Through a Little Hole

   It feels like I've been trapped for what seems like forever in this box. This box is my hometown. The people may be friendly on the outside but if you were to do something, anything, that isn't the norm of Hometown, you will feel their wrath. For me, that is an almost impossibility. I have to hide myself under a mask of 2'oclock shadow and put on armor of body hair just to look like every other male in Hometown. Don't get me wrong. Its not like I don't like being male, it just that I'm female with something extra. I know you didn't need to know that but it was necessary for you know.

    Just a few weeks ago I found this little hole of light. When I look through it, I saw a new world. A world where I could finally be the person I know that I am. A strong, intelligent woman. I've already seen and felt the glimpses of that person. That was when I made the decision to go through that little hole.
    I know how to get through the how but the means is not quite there yet. I'm still trapped when I look elsewhere. Somehow this hole has granted me a power. I can now move farther in this box than I ever could.
    I still need out though. I'm just about to go crazy. I want to go through but I can't. I need to be me. Not what everyone in Hometown wants me to be.


This was something that just popped into my head about having car and yet not being able leave a small town due to that car have problems with driving farther that 10 miles.