Thursday, September 16, 2010

Tired Of Lifes Shit

I was so damn close for finally escaping my misunderstanding parents. They choose not try to get to better understand my situation. For who could blame them. We live in a small town that has very little visible support for the GLBT Community. The local Library has a few books, a lot of the antique stores are own by gay people. But about a GLBT Community group, there isn't one. The Only community Center we seem to have is a Christian Center that is very again the idea of including Us.

Why don't I just move out of town. Cause I can't without loosing my job, education, the ability to still hangout with friends from the hometown. First I need a vehicle that can not only go freeway speeds but that can also be driven for more that 15 minutes without the fear of having it overheating. Second, I have the stabilization of a job to be able share an apartment with a friend. None of my friends here locally have stable enough job for me to room with. For my education, I can still have it without a car sense I live so close the college I'm going to. But however, if I move out to another city that is 30+ miles away I would need car that has the ability to go freeway speeds.

Back to the Community Center idea. Why don't I just get one start with some of the local GLBT people. Well, lets see what all I have on my plate. I'm trying to keep my job even-though I hate very very much, I'm going to college( need to focus on that), and I'm also trying to find a way to get out of this town, so I could get starting on my transition. So long story short, I don't want to put too much onto my already full plate. The last time I tried to do that, I lead to a very very dark place that I thought would never visit again.

I'm soo tired of life treating me and my family like shit. It seems like for each step forward we make to better ourselves, something tells us NO! and punishes us but knocking us back about 10 steps. Maybe we are doing to ourselves for believing we could by working hard, get to a better place. As it stands right now, that better place would not in this dimension.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not suicidal in anyway. I'm just tired. It's been a long year and half.


  1. I'd contact the nearest GLBT center(s) to see what they can offer, could be a friend is going to meetings and you could use them for a ride.
    Some colleges are "supposed" to provide help to GLBT people. maybe you visit or check this area for help. you might also contact some of the "gay" store owners maybe start a meet once a week in a cafe in town. Just to discuss issues. The best ideas I have is to find relief, in your blog (herein) We'll be here to listen and help along the future road you are to travel. Remember! You know what the future hold for you and you have started with the first steps. I'm thinking of your commitment you've made, it's your choice to move forward to you GOAL! That’s really a tough choice for us (ANY)human. You have shown herein, you do really have incredible strengths to have endured this journey. I for one cheer you on forward to attack life live to fullest!

  2. hugs girl! I just found your blog. Just want to say hang in there. I hope you can start your transition at some point soon. It's of course very smart of you for recognizing that there may be a better time in the near future to start instead of jumping in full force.

  3. Keep in mind that we are more vulnerable than most and the best things you can do is understand yourself and get enough education to be able to support yourself, if you can be self employed even better.

    I know from bitter experience that struggling on in this world with little income to even feed and cloth yourself is not the way.

    Good luck Caroline xxx