A better Update.

Thanks for those who commented in my last post. I know this is a very difficult journey I've started. The more difficult the journey the more experience I will get. I'm sure hope I'm close to be leveling up. I tired to be stuck at level M.

Good news about my travel problems. I've decide that I'll just trade in my car to get one with a working transmission. I'm a tranny with a tranny problem. Thank you Jesse for that joke. I just love it. I don't know when for sure I can do it. I would like to do it with my dad but he's been so busy taking care of his dieing mother, that he rarely has time to do anything else besides work. I know I should do it by myself. I just don't want to get stuck with a bad deal or anything and he is a person to go to for this sort of thing. I just want his experience to help me make a decision.

I forgot to mention in the last post that I've found a place to move to but that friend's roommate won't move out. He needs to move out. So I'm just waiting till he gets tire of her and decides to move out. That will give me time to go through all of the junk I've collect since moving back into my parents place a little over a year ago. Its funny how I can collect a lot of junk and find a place to stash it so that it wont take up much room. But as I clean up and go through everything, I'm beginning to realize the full effect the past year has taken on me.

I must have been more depressed than I've thought. I have notebooks that have barely been written in. Stuff I should have thrown out when I finished that class. No, there isn't any half eaten sandwiches hidden underneath my bed. Although, I did find Tribbie, my pet Tribble hiding there. A lot of useless electronic crap that I need to get ride of. For example, nameless cords that have gone to some electronic device that I seem to can't find to what the heck it went to.

Well that is it for now.

Tired Of Lifes Shit

I was so damn close for finally escaping my misunderstanding parents. They choose not try to get to better understand my situation. For who could blame them. We live in a small town that has very little visible support for the GLBT Community. The local Library has a few books, a lot of the antique stores are own by gay people. But about a GLBT Community group, there isn't one. The Only community Center we seem to have is a Christian Center that is very again the idea of including Us.

Why don't I just move out of town. Cause I can't without loosing my job, education, the ability to still hangout with friends from the hometown. First I need a vehicle that can not only go freeway speeds but that can also be driven for more that 15 minutes without the fear of having it overheating. Second, I have the stabilization of a job to be able share an apartment with a friend. None of my friends here locally have stable enough job for me to room with. For my education, I can still have it without a car sense I live so close the college I'm going to. But however, if I move out to another city that is 30+ miles away I would need car that has the ability to go freeway speeds.

Back to the Community Center idea. Why don't I just get one start with some of the local GLBT people. Well, lets see what all I have on my plate. I'm trying to keep my job even-though I hate very very much, I'm going to college( need to focus on that), and I'm also trying to find a way to get out of this town, so I could get starting on my transition. So long story short, I don't want to put too much onto my already full plate. The last time I tried to do that, I lead to a very very dark place that I thought would never visit again.

I'm soo tired of life treating me and my family like shit. It seems like for each step forward we make to better ourselves, something tells us NO! and punishes us but knocking us back about 10 steps. Maybe we are doing to ourselves for believing we could by working hard, get to a better place. As it stands right now, that better place would not in this dimension.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not suicidal in anyway. I'm just tired. It's been a long year and half.

Kids' Toys and Gender

A friend of mine Did a rant post on his blog and thought I would give my two cents. It is an interesting topic that no one really thinks about. The link to his blog will be added at the end of this post.

Children toys are so fixated on whether the toy should be a girl's toy (dolls, accessorizing, little bake ovens, ext) or a boy's toy (little cars, workbenches, police and fire fighter costumes.) Even the gender neutral toys or what should be gender neutral toys seem to be targeting either gender. For example, Legos and jump ropes are a very gender neutral toy and yet they have it separated by gender. This sometimes get under my (for now) hairy arms.

First example shall be Legos. Legos look like they are a perfect gender neutral toy and they are. Somehow, they still get separated by gender. For example, most of the pastel colors will go to be advertised for Girls unless, that particular pastel color is needed for a part of set made for boys. For they Boys, it is always the action, superhero, vehicle model ( which consist of most of themes) that get advertised towards them. For once I would like to see something that has a pastel color being advertised to males and vise verse to the girls.

Next is what everyone had mostly used is the jump rope. The toy is not really a toy but a form of exercise but it is marketed as a toy for younger children mostly little girls. Now, why can't they market this to the boys as well?? I could guess that in our society that we want girls to stay thin and since boys have their sports, this is one way to achieve that goal. I know that at lest in the elementary school I went to as a child, we jump roped almost everyday during PE but when recess came around I couldn't go jump rope with the girls cause it wasn't a boy thing to do. The boys were directed to more of the kick ball, soccer, and other sport related games. Everywhere I look I mostly see either a women or a little girl enjoying their jump rope and when I see a picture of a man (no little boys jump roping) they have a look to of intense concentration on their face as though they are counting how many jumps they are doing.

this is just what I think about it and my experience these toys. I do no research what so ever to back up what I say here.

here is my friends link. Finding Jester

Seeing Light Through a Little Hole

   It feels like I've been trapped for what seems like forever in this box. This box is my hometown. The people may be friendly on the outside but if you were to do something, anything, that isn't the norm of Hometown, you will feel their wrath. For me, that is an almost impossibility. I have to hide myself under a mask of 2'oclock shadow and put on armor of body hair just to look like every other male in Hometown. Don't get me wrong. Its not like I don't like being male, it just that I'm female with something extra. I know you didn't need to know that but it was necessary for you know.

    Just a few weeks ago I found this little hole of light. When I look through it, I saw a new world. A world where I could finally be the person I know that I am. A strong, intelligent woman. I've already seen and felt the glimpses of that person. That was when I made the decision to go through that little hole.
    I know how to get through the how but the means is not quite there yet. I'm still trapped when I look elsewhere. Somehow this hole has granted me a power. I can now move farther in this box than I ever could.
    I still need out though. I'm just about to go crazy. I want to go through but I can't. I need to be me. Not what everyone in Hometown wants me to be.


This was something that just popped into my head about having car and yet not being able leave a small town due to that car have problems with driving farther that 10 miles.

When Ever there is good news theres has to be bad news

First the good news. I finally have a new car. I've been without a car for a little of a year now. All that the car needs is fluids changed, two new hoses and insurance. Yay!! hopefully I can get my transistion started in a few months.


Now for the bad news. I family pet is on his way out of this world. He is dieing. He is somewhere around the age of 17 years. We all saw it coming. I've prepared myself so much for this. Like good did that do. I feel soo sad right now I'm physically sick. I almost threw up a few times now.


here is a pic and a link to a video I made in his memory. If you love pets as family members and treat them as much please watch the video. He always love this song.

Phantom Loftus

First Post

Well maybe I should I do an introduction before I start posting my thoughts about whatever I feel like talking about. Wow! Four I's in that sentence.

I was born male (Michael) on August 11. All of my life I've felt as though there was something wrong or not quite right about me. I have always wanted to play with the girls and never been all that physical. By the time I was 11, I started to 'crossdress' mainly with my sisters clothing in which she always got in trouble for 'leaving' my room. That memory is still a running joke among my sister and I. Getting caught by my father when I was 14 scared the living daylights out of me. He told me not to dress up again and about three months later he asked me if I wanted to be a girl after getting caught several more times. I got so scared by what his reaction might be so I said no. Should of said yes but I still had a lot of growing up to do before that thought of me being a girl would enter my mind again.

By the time I had enter high school I decided that the 'crossdressing' I do when I'm alone should stay a secret for myself. To be honest, I felt ashamed that to be on the verge of congruency, I had to dress in female clothing. I had to hide them in a good place that only I would go to look for something. During that time, I made up a persona of the super Star Trek Geek, a Super Trekkie, to be able to hide my true self from the others. I had suffered the harassment from others long enough. It would take me six more years to re find myself.

Two years after my high school graduation I just couldn't hide from myself anymore. After being wake for three days trying to forget about 'Amrisa's clothing,' I decided to go into therapy to find why I feel this way. That was in 2008. During this time I found out I was transgender and have Gender Dysphoria.

As I was exploring my new self, I found a really great transgender support group and the people there are friendly. They have never pushed me to be anyone or anything. All that they did was to give me place that I could be me before I had the courage to come out to family and friends.

Also, I'm a gamer chick. I still enjoy playing video games even though I'm transitioning to female. I favorite type of games are Role Playing Games(RPG's.) Going quest hunting is my favorite thing to do in those games. I also like first person shooter but only with good friends to play with. Otherwise I just get bored. The games I'm playing now are World of Warcraft {Yes I'm a WOW Junkie} and a DS game called DragonQuest IX Sentinels of the Starry Skies.

Now for a few things that haven't change about me. I still have a love for Star Trek. The Philosophy behind Star Trek that everyone; no matter the color, race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, or even alien species are all equal in this universe and our goal as Sentient Beings is to better ourselves by always having an open mind about everything around us and also learning from it. I still love to do lego models but now I do them digitally on my laptop.